Laguna Beach: Absent Parents And Mansions Full Of Drama
Finale Recap by Erin Murphy
November 16, 2006
Let's raise our red cups and toast to absent parents and mansions full of drama. It's the season finale, folks, and it doesn't get any better than this… well unless "Temptation Island" came back on the air, that would be the best ever! Anyway, here we go…
Rocky and Tessa squeal in sync over the excitement of the seniors graduating. Rocky worries about Alex (a.k.a. I'm the guy that wants to sleep with all your friends) leaving for college since they just got back together. Oh Rocky, my sweet, I'm sure he'll be faithful (sarcasm drips from my Wet n' Wild lips). I'm so sure that if he does cheat on you, I will tattoo "I Rode the Federline Pony" on my booty.
Cami (a.k.a. Chesty) attempts to act rich as she swings a tennis racket but can't be bothered to actually hit the ball. Kyndra bounces around and sneers at onlookers while she poses and laughs at… well, I have no idea. They squint and swing and then do what they do best - fake emotions (as if vampires have them). These girls make the "Heathers" look like my 1st grade Brownie Troop. Even Manson fears them and he should.
Cameron (who is not attractive, please people let's just say it out loud) and his incredibly heinous friend Nick (have you noticed this guy has absolutely no life, not to mention he gossips more than Perez Hilton - www.perezhilton.com) shop for a surfboard. They have the exact same conversation as Chesty and Kyndra but they have souls so it's not as fascinatingly evil. Meanwhile, Kelan gets an Apple laptop from his parents. It's anti-climactic really, but it feels nice to see a child of Laguna Beach truly appreciate something that isn't weighed in karats or larger than an army tank on the open road.
Rocky walks in and smothers Alex with a hug. Let me just say that this girl is amazing - she is an old soul and constantly serves as the voice of reason although very few people listen. Did that just get weird? Do you think that I love her or something and maybe that's why I hate Alex? I'll tell you later why I love to loathe Alex and his freaky eyebrows. Rocky celebrates Alex's graduation by giving him an iPod. They hug some more and he says "cool" and it's not, nothing about him or anything he does is cool. Alex puts on his graduation robe and makes that weird heavy breathing noise when he smiles. Why does he always do that? Rocky, run my dear - run away from the noise… and that's why I hate him.
Kelan and Justin (why do girls make out with this fug jock) talk about graduation again. Chesty and Kyndra walk in and shower the boys with hugs and Kyndra feigns more emotion - I can't believe she's out in the daylight. I'm suddenly confused because I have a wooden stake in my right hand and I'm ready to shove it through her heart but then I realize old girl "don't got" one so now what? Kyndra, Chesty, and Cameron talk about themselves while the valedictorian (who apparently wasn't vacuous enough to star on this show) gives a great speech. Mortar boards are thrown, people clap, Kyndra tries to hug everybody and Chesty cries because people keep hugging her and smashing her chest.
Cameron and Justin wake up and bash Kyndra because it's an easy thing to do. Cameron is annoyed that Kyndra doubted his loyalty to his older friends. Justin asks Cameron how he'll ever live without his posse of fellow fug jocks and Cameron does what he always does when people ask him a direct question - he laughs uncomfortably and looks down at the floor. Awesome, let's surf.
Rocky and her amazing mother discuss Alex leaving and how it might affect their freshly rekindled relationship. Rocky says there's no point in being together during the summer with Alex if he's just going to leave. I LOVE ROCKY, she's a smarty and it's not easy to realize the things she does but she does it right and I dig this girl for it. Okay, I'll stop, don't file the restraining order, I'll stop.
It's Kyndra and Cameron's BBQ and red cups are in full attendance. Have you ever noticed that where there are red cups, there are never parents - it's like parental kryptonite and I'm intrigued? Not really. Kyndra and Cameron screen the home-made video honoring their senior friends. It starts out all sweet with pictures of them as toddlers frolicking on the beach. I start to sob into my Coors Light. I cock my head and smile like an old person watching their grandchild eat their Werthers original candy, but suddenly my tears of tenderness turn into tears of laughter as I realize that every photo that appears on the screen includes Kyndra… and when I say every photo, I mean all of them. I'm laughing hysterically and my neighbor starts banging on the wall. I hate that guy. I'm gonna order him another free Rogaine video.
The next day before a sick set of waves, Cameron listens to Kelan's worries of how he'll balance college and his band that was recently signed to Epic Records. On the flipside, Cameron worries that he'll be replaced with newfound college buddies and Kelan smiles and then excitedly talks about his dorm roommate and how he's looking forward to meeting him. They decide to surf and everything seems better.
Rocky comes home to tell mom that she's received a letter from Brianna, LC's lil' sister who is truly the "Bad Seed" born into a family of royalty and honor… oh, and did I mention that she's fug? Briana's letter pleads for Rocky to give her another chance at friendship and Rocky is touched and hugs her mom but worries that Tessa won't like the situation. Maybe that's because Brianna and her evil covenant torture the poor girl - you think maybe that could be it?
Tessa meets up with the cutest.....
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