Survivor Panama Exile Island: Superheroes Or Superzeros?
Commentary by ChipLeader
April 28, 2006
Hey Kids…
On this week's episode of Survivor: Panama Exile Island we find ourselves down to the Super Six. Wouldn't it be great if the Super Six were actually a renegade band of superheroes? I wonder what their powers might be? Hum…
"Deceptor" (Aras): Seen as a threat to evildoers everywhere but for no tangible reason. Strikingly handsome, image is everything. A young lad with deceptive abilities. His abilities are deceptive to the point of nonexistence. His absolute lack of strength is only surpassed by a total absence of endurance.
"ChatterBrain" (Courtney): Has the innate ability to bring foes to submission instantaneously just by opening her mouth. Distracts enemies by challenging them to follow her logic. Is the "free" thinker of the Super Six; thus demonstrating why some things should be paid for.
"Cleavator" (Danielle): Can fling her spherical assets at enemies in an attempt to distract them during an attack. Due to their mesmerizing effect, staring at these scantily clad bouncing orbs can render mortal men helpless and turn them into bumbling idiots. Furthermore…bumble…bumble…duh...mmmm…I forget.
"HammerHead" (Shane): Distracts attackers through use of the "crazy dog" tactic. Satan himself would think twice before inviting the wrath of HammerHead. His attack method consists of flailing about in seemingly uncontrolled, unplanned and uncoordinated spasms. However, this is merely a cleaver ploy to disguise his natural ability of flailing about in uncontrolled, unplanned and uncoordinated spasms.
"ChallengeMeister" (Terry): Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Wait…that's already been done.
"Giggletron" (Cirie): The most deceptively powerful of all the Super Six. Her easygoing likable demeanor cloaks her ability to manipulate the minds of her enemies. A force to be reckoned with, her lack of physical prowess is a clever ruse to distract her enemies and render them powerless against her superhuman mental acuity. She's also trained in performing tallywhacker exams.
Anyway…
This week's Reward Challenge has the Survivors divided into two teams of three and negotiating a rope obstacle course. This has got to be the challenge with the most predictable outcome in the history of Survivor. On one team we have Courtney, Danielle and Terry. And, on the other team we have the Mod Squad of Aras, Shane and Cirie. Seriously MB, I know it was time for Terry to share in a reward but come on, give us a break. Could there have been a more non-equal "random" pairing of the teams?
This challenge was practically over before it started. Props to Jeffy for stating the obvious (since the competition was so boring and one-sided) by excitedly proclaiming to Cirie and her teammates, "Get your asses out of the water!". Indeed, it is their asses coupled with a complete and total lack of team physical ability and coordination that has their hindquarters stuck in the water. Don't just blame Cirie for this one. Shane and Aras have the combined mental and physical dexterity of a three-legged gerbil.
Terry's Terrors easily win the reward of another freakin' Bar-B-Que. They also decide to send the "paper tiger" Aras, to Exile Island. It seems to me that there have been a helluva lot of Bar-B-Que rewards this season. No wonder Bruce almost exploded. Do you have any idea how long that food sits out in the tropical sun while MB films shot after shot before those folks finally get to eat? It's a wonder that someone hasn't gotten food poisoning yet. Keep you fingers crossed; cause nothing makes good TV like uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea.
But wait…there's more.
The winning team is invited to participate in a "special" individual Reward Challenge. And, the reward is a brand new 2007 GMC Yukon SUV. For once, MB offers a vehicle that doesn't look like a modified coffin or something that a guy who wears socks with sandals would drive. The bad news is that the "winner" gets to drive a vehicle that gets approximately 3.176 miles to the gallon. In the months since this episode was filmed gas prices have risen to about $19 a gallon. Terry wins the reward (no surprise) and gets the dubious honor of owning a vehicle that will cost him approximately $186,000 a year to drive. I believe that Terry's former ride, an F-14, cost slightly less to operate.
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