Folks, I'm gonna bring high energy to this recap, SO on that note, smack yourself in the face and let's give a big running belly slam to the Broider family from New Hampshire. No nonsense mom, Melody (Sergeant Mom), and ex-military husband, Rick (Colonel Dad) stand proud of America and their strict home. My favorite rule was born a while back when the household bathroom was left looking like the Hometown Buffet bathroom which led to new rules involving a key. When the kids finish their tinkle or poo, they must sign out and make sure all is sparkling for the next customer (which in a household of six men will be some time in the next five minutes).
The pubescent platoon is made up of five boys who earn "privilege points" (star stickers) when they complete their chores. These points can be used later to buy back toys they've left around the house at the weekly auction. Does this sound odd? Well, that's because it is. It's freakish and disturbing yet a great training ground for the day when the boys will need to bid on art at Sotheby's, cars at the local police impound, or a hot woman at a charity benefit where for the right amount of money one could go to the Hollywood Bowl with one of the girls that holds a suitcase on "Deal or No Deal."
I'm incredibly let down when I learn that the auction has recently replaced Colonel Dad's old method of simply burning the toys that weren't put away. Awesome, I love the smell of burning Play-Doh and napalm in the morning. Somebody should buy him a "#1 Dad" mug at the Dollar Store. I would but I don't have that kind of money right now. And right when you thought it just couldn't get any better, we are told that if the boys have any left over "privilege points" they can use them to buy one-on-one time with dad. I bow my head in respect for this brilliant parenting style.
On the softer side (like Sears), we have the Talbott family from Texas. The reigning Mrs. Texas Latina mom, Nancy (Hot Mom), can dance while wearing a ten-gallon and spoils her bratty litter while her chauvinistic husband, Danny (Pig Dad), encourages their three sons to play pranks on mom until she cries. She's the self-proclaimed "most devoted mother in the world" and tells us how wonderful it is to be a stay-at-home mother and wife as she sobs tears of sadness… err, um I mean happiness even though she's frowning and is clearly rationalizing the life she probably committed to at age 16 when she met Pig Dad at the mall arcade. Pig Dad says his wife is very much like a "waiter" but then completely redeems himself by saying, "My wife is so hot, I like to show her off." I cross my fingers and hope to someday meet a man that tips me 20% and lives to parade me around like a show dog. I realize that we might be dealing with a self-respect issue with Hot Mom when she shows us the bathroom toilet with no seat since the "boys would always pee on it and get pee everywhere." Kids learning to aim vs. Mom having to hover… I mean I suppose it's a no-brainer to simply remove the toilet seat. I bow my head in respect for the even more brilliant parenting style.
Time to swap…
The women explore their new homes and notice: organization, locked doors, blood, no toilet seat, the bathroom sign out sheet, a bloody tissue, and a tiara (not necessarily in that order but in an order that causes me to vomit). They read their respective manuals and cringe and… YES, THERE THEY ARE - THE TEARS.
Sergeant Mom meets Pig Dad and his three sons. She tells them she's strict and they shrug not quite sure what that word means. The next day, Sergeant Mom irons their underwear and shoves them off to school. She forgets to make Pig Dad lunch so he tells her to not eat anything all day to see how she feels. Wait, can I guess please? I think that she will feel hungry. If I'm right, can I iron the smirk right off Pig Dad's face? That evening Sergeant Mom also forgets to make dinner so Pig Dad laughs and calls her "hopeless" and then demands that she feed the family. The charm continues on when Pig Dad tells Sergeant Mom to put on more make-up before they can leave the house to grocery shop. This troubles me since the grocery store is the only place I can go without brushing my teeth or hair. I don't even refrain from farting out loud when I'm there. I may as well be in my bedroom wrapped in my favorite blanket while I'm moseying down the aisles at my local grocery store. At their local market, the Talbott boys fly around like they're at a roller derby and Sergeant Mom is humiliated. In an attempt to impress, Sergeant Mom makes some Hamburger Helper and wears Hot Mom's tiara to try and win over her pseudo-husband. True to form, Pig Dad makes fun of her while she turns her back and the boys laugh. It's getting really sad, but it hits a new low when Sergeant Mom tries to strike up a conversation with one of the 9-ish-year-old boys and he snaps, "You have to listen to our rules, okay honey." I love it but feel mildly bad when she breaks down into tears. I think of the grocery store and fart and forget about all the ugly in the world, including this family.
Hot Mom meets Colonel Dad and immediately.....
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