I have to be honest with all of you because I simply feel it's time. Over the past few weeks, I've felt that "Wife Swap" has become rather redundant with the ever-present socially inept home-schooled child and the overbearing parents vs. the "we really don't give a honk what you do" parents.
But, this week is exciting and I say that with confidence, void of any sarcasm, because this week involves the most wonderful and magical world of all… CHILD BEAUTY PAGEANTS. I'm so excited! I even bought a bottle of Aquanet to spray my bangs throughout the show so they don't fall and insult these incredible people. AND let's not even get into the Vaseline I've slimed across my teeth so I can sparkle unnaturally while I force a gigantic Joker smile and wave stiffly to my cats. OH yes, folks, let the pageant begin, but wait - where's the old washed up actor to serenade this opening? Alan Thicke, are you out there - I need you.
I tip my tiara to my favorite family of all, the Yonts family, who devote their entire lives to their 5-year-old daughter Hannah's beauty pageants. It should be known that any parent out there that refuses to do this shall be charged with neglect, fierce neglect. Pageants are where you learn to be pretty and smile like a creepy doll from a horror film - the skill set is invaluable. Mommy, Kim (aka Favorite Mom) and dad, Michael (Favorite Dad) spend $8,000/year on their daughter Hannah's pageantry. Favorite Mom says her daughter has competed in over 60 pageants and has always walked away with "something" - even if just a clump of competitors' hair. In the closet of shame, lives sister, Maddie, who at the age of 3-years-old has retired from pageantry. She will be neglected and she will need therapy in her near future. Someday may possible beat her mother with a tiara and it will be awesomely disturbing… like the "Mommie Dearest" and her wire hangers. The ugliest thing in this household, besides Maddie of course, is the food they consume. They are the first family in "Wife Swap" history to display a dinner plate with Cheetos as the main course. I'm sure Britney Spears does it too but she's famous and can do anything her heart and panty-less bottom desire.
The other family (as if we care) is the Jan-Turan clan. I must admit my interest is peaked by mom, Ramona (aka Mountain Mom), who is smiling with glee while holding her two dolls. They look home-made in a sad way. Remember when Cabbage Patch Kids came out and some kids would have the home-made version and they were ugly and had weird noses. I had one of those, but then I got a real Cabbage Patch Kid and I shoved my faux Patch Kid in the closet where ugly things belong (no offense, Maddie). Mountain Mom enjoys singing to deer passing by, encouraging her children to be artistic, and admiring her husband Andre's toned abs thanks to his career as a fitness trainer (aka Buff Dad). Daughter, Lucy (10) is a free-thinker and Mountain Mom believes it's because she's eliminated the "drug" known as television, mom also refuses to have anything in the house that matches (which includes her relationship), and has okayed her daughter's decision to be home-schooled… of course. Mountain Mom cooks only organic, unprocessed, no additives, no preservatives food, but Lucy yearns for a juicy burger. Nobody in the house is supposed to care about what they look like so make-up and fashion are banned. I find this to be interesting since it's a direct contradiction with Buff Dad who has made a career out of telling people it's important to look good. Just another example of why they're not compatible. It comes as no surprise when Mountain Mom and Buff Dad dub their relationship "TERRIBLE."
Time to swap…
The moms explore their new homes and do the following: try on a crown and express disgust in pageantry, become upset upon realization that things DON'T match, become upset upon realization that things DO match, and finally Mountain Mom puts a pageant dress on her head and dances around like a dog on its hind legs. This visual has burned itself into my brain and I will have nightmares involving Mountain Mom because she's terrifying and Taco Bell because I'm having withdrawal due to my fear of E. coli.
Can we please make note that during the commercial break I was introduced to "restless leg syndrome" - are we serious, people? Um really, check it out: www.restlesslegs.com! I've heard if you suffer from "restless leg syndrome" or "RLS" you may also suffer from "you're full of bologna syndrome" and "you clearly need attention to find validation in your life syndrome" oh, and you might also be afflicted with "you're a FREAKING annoying hypochondriac syndrome" - hopefully you can find help before all of your friends and family abandon you because you're a total LOAD. Please be warned that if you suffer from this, my "restless leg syndrome" may cause me to kick your butt at any given moment.
Favorite Mom has a hard time adjusting to the absence of hygiene as the mom in this house - no hair brushing, no make-up, and no mirrors please. The family eats sprout sandwiches and Favorite Mom complains that it tastes "bland." She thinks Mountain Mom should just "give her (daughter) something that is good and gooey, some pastries… give the kid a donut, it's not gonna hurt her." Well obviously, the saying goes "a donut a day keeps the doctor away" - duh! Favorite Mom takes Lucy thrift store shopping on a $5 budget and it upsets Favorite Mom. In her own words, "it breaks my heart… it does." That evening, Buff Dad admits that he doesn't know how to change his wife, and he doesn't feel she wants to commit time to their relationship (or to herself for that matter).
Mountain Mom meets the girls and.....
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