Now the rumor on the "interweb" (as I call it) is that this week's "Wife Swap" is a repeat, however, I haven't seen it and I'm sure even the biggest fan of this show has missed one or two episodes so I'm gonna go for it. Partially because it's the season of giving and partially because I just drank a half gallon of egg nog and I'm feeling the strong desire to express myself, here goes…
Howdy to the Maness family from Texas with controlling, clean-freak mom Angel (a.k.a. Mommie Dearest) who makes her kids wear bracelets that say "Failure Is Not an Option" but what's even more disturbing is her husband, Blake Sr., who isn't allowed to sit in the front seat of the car nor dress himself (a.k.a. Toddler Dad). Son, Blake Jr. (11) loves Mommie Dearest but certainly did something wrong recently to be sporting his current haircut. Everybody tries to not upset her which is virtually impossible. Toddler Dad admits he's a follower and is disrespected by his kids, but at least by doing nothing there's less to be criticized about. Mommie Dearest hates pets, loves the smell of bleach, and forces her eldest son to "keep the butt cheeks squeezed together" when he works out.
On the flipside is the Roy family from California. Mom, Frankie, is a construction worker (a.k.a. Hard Hat Mom) and could care less what anybody thinks of her family. She proves it by shopping in her pajamas and refusing to remove dead rats from her sweet and cozy home. Husband, John (a.k.a. Party Dad) describes his wife as "tough" rather than "butch" and as Hard Hat Mom announces the "Roy Family Happy Hour" and then dubs them "Mountain Rednecks" I suddenly feel closer to home. I love this family… seriously. She sips on her White Zinfandel (from a box) while one of the bumpkin children squeezes out a fart she describes as "gushy." Awesome! They have two kids, John Paul (15) and Heather (13), and Party Dad has an older son, John Eric (20). He complains that the house is filthy and I wonder why the 20-year-old feels as though he can't move out.
Time to swap…
Mommie Dearest has trouble even entering the Roy estate and must calm herself when she stumbles upon a dead rat. Oh come on people, things die and sometimes you just can't find the time for a proper burial. Meanwhile, Hard Hat Mom tiptoes through the bleach palace and cringes at the sparkling household around her. They read the manuals and utter the following: "This is absolute filth." "I hate chaos." "Appearance is everything." And my favorite line to date, "Can white people be ghetto because these people are ghetto." Cue Dolly Parton's version of "In the Ghetto"… and SCENE!
Mommie Dearest meets the family and points out the dead rat but Party Dad celebrates because "…you don't want to see them alive, because if they're alive they get in bed with you." YES, this guy is a total party. The next day, Party Dad takes Mommie Dearest to the construction site and she immediately tries to take over because that's what she does best. He calls her the "Anti-Christ" as he begins to unravel. That evening, Mommie Dearest interrogates the Pauls and then offers to pay for the youngest's first semester of tuition if he can make it into Fresno State. Later, Paul and Paul and their other brother Darryl come home late and Party Dad kind of yells but really just points and then cracks open a beer because hey… it's happy hour.
Hard Hat Mom meets the family and immediately decides Toddler Dad is "whooped" by his wife. He shows Hard Hat Mom how to properly display his clothes so he's not confused when getting dressed in the morning. She immediately snaps at him and for good reason. She walks out and informs him that he's nothing more than an extra kid for his wife to take care of. She counts out grapes for the kids' snacks, scrubs the spotless floor, and works out with Blake Jr. Why doesn't he just play on a sports team? Turns out he doesn't know any of the kids in the neighborhood because he only play with his family. Toddler Dad sits in the backseat of the car and explains that his wife doesn't like his driving so he rides in back and would prefer to be called Miss Daisy.
Week two begins and Mommie Dearest and Hard Hat Mom tell their new families about the new rules…
Mommie Dearest's Rules:
The Roy Family Happy Hour is now the Roy Family Fitness Hour.
Mommie Dearest will tutor John Paul to improve his grades and the computer will be off limits.
Mommie Dearest will spearhead a deep-cleaning of the house.
No more belching, farting, or swearing. If anybody breaks this rule, they will scrub the toilet with a toothbrush and then use it to brush their teeth.
All the animals will be put into the basement.
Hard Hat Mom's Rules:
Toddler Dad must yell through a bullhorn, "I am Blake and I am the man of this house."
Blake Jr. is going to play basketball with the boys from the neighborhood and dad is not allowed to get involved.
Toddler Dad must dress himself and also go shopping and pick out his own clothes.
Blake Jr. must build a rabbit hutch for his surprise new pet rabbit.
Mommie Dearest forces Party Dad.....
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