The Hills: "You Know What You Did"
Recapping Episodes 1 & 2 by Erin Murphy
August 14, 2007
OMG, it's time again and I can't even believe how my hatred for Spencer and Heidi has grown in the off season but maybe, just maybe they'll win me over this time around. I'd bet my first born on it and mind you I'm barren - so that's a big promise… almost as big as Spencer's head. So now, let's sit back, have a martini, and bare our claws for the new season of "The Hills."
For those of you that have clearly missed out, LC recaps the last couple of seasons by reminding us she broke up with the Rehab King, Jason, and broke up with leech friend, Jen Bunny, and said goodbye to Heidi as she moved in with Spencer. Now, old girl Audrina is her new roommate and Whitney is LC's new boss. Ooh it's starting and I can't wait…
LC walks in to see Whitney sitting at her new desk, albeit still in the back closet of Teen Vogue. LC immediately reveals that rumors about a sex tape involving her and the Rehab King have been circulating and she's fairly sure that it originated in the Heidi and Spencer camp. Whitney asks about Heidi and LC stares at her like a train wreck. It's clearly some creative editing and they use these stunned looking cutaways way too often. Kind of like a soap opera when somebody delivers some bad news like - I'm pregnant with twins and I think one is yours and one is your dad's and then you turn towards the camera and stare into the distance as the person behind you stares at the wall. Anyway, bottom line is who does that in real life? Nobody. And, since this show is just so completely real, I'm not buying it this time either. Well, maybe if Spencer or Heidi did it since they think they're constantly acting and they're really bad at it. LC simply denies that she's had any contact with Heidi and I swear if it's going to be this polite the whole season I'm going to rip my tracks out.
Heidi tidying up her gnarly love nest with Spencer as he rolls in with a brand new aquarium. Maybe they're opening a Chinese restaurant in their living room or maybe Spencer is just the tacky dude I've always thought he was, but seriously, who has an aquarium besides moguls and my dentist. Heidi is busy planning their housewarming but Spencer can't give her an invite list because he depends mostly on word-of-mouth for his events (translation - myspace.com). She fires off names of the people she thinks will come such as - LC, Audrina, and Whitney… hmmm, really? It would be kind of like me inviting Oprah Winfrey, Gandhi, and Pee-Wee Herman to attend my party and then being surprised when they don't show. It's kind of sad she expects them to come, but hey, we can all dream.
Audrina is working her receptionist skills when Heidi saunters in excitedly with some housewarming invites. Heidi attempts to seem confident but when she makes a ridiculous remark about Audrina sitting all alone at her desk which most receptionists do, it's clear Heidi is nervous. Moments later, Audrina bounces into the back to mock Heidi believing they would actually attend her housewarming. She reminds the lucky co-worker, who has probably already read all this in US Weekly and probably bored to tears, that the crew believes Heidi and Spencer are responsible for spreading the rumor that LC made a sex tape with King Rehab. It seemed her guilt was proven when Heidi never bothered to call and console LC in the wake of media backlash. A true friend will stick by you when you get arrested for stealing a pizza or poop your bed… just ask my homies. Later on, LC lunches with Whitney to tell her about the housewarming invites. Whitney is surprised but then again that seems to be the only emotion I've seen this girl express since she debuted on the show. They make plans for Les Deux that night.
Scene - Les Deux - full of liquid courage and Red Bull, the girls skip into Les Deux to get their flirt on. LC immediately makes nice with a London boy named Jason. She slurs an introduction to her girls and continues to squeal in amazement at his accent. Audrina listens intently, or maybe she's trying not to puke, as LC talks openly about how amazing Jason is as he sits right next to her and smiles. When Whitney arrives, she's immediately introduced to the London boy toy that has quickly become the love of LC's life.
Meanwhile, back at the gnarl nest, the housewarming party ensues and Heidi searches the room for any sign of a friend… oh wait honey, you don't have any, but at least you have a boyfriend with the smile of a cheesy game show host and the heart of a gargoyle. Oh but wait, just when you almost felt a twinge of pity for Miss Heidi, in walks Jen Bunny. She too has been shunned from the LC camp for making out with LC's love interest last season. Did I also mention that this girl is the most phony and vacuous friend. Whenever she's on camera, she poses… its nauseating and foul. Anyway, I've vomited and feel a bit better as I watch Miss Bunny tell Heidi she's glad she's there with Heidi to be on television again. Well, she doesn't say that but she thought it and I turn away and gag. Out of nowhere, Spencer comments that he shouldn't be drinking and I start to wonder if he's pregnant since he does look fatter.
The next morning, LC and Audrina try to piece together the night of heavy drinking and kissing boys. They promise to never pre-party again, but I know better and so do they. Heidi and Spencer clean up their apartment, but as long as they live there it will never technically be clean. Heidi wishes her imaginary friends would've come and it's becoming more and more painful to watch this oblivious girl. Both camps ready themselves for a birthday party at Les Deux tonight - I love this show… BRING IT. Heidi puts on her outfit for the night and introduces the world to the two new friends on her chest. Heidi mentions that she's written a letter to LC and Spencer asks to read it. Heidi shuts him down since she knows no good would come of his reaction.
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