Last Comic Standing: 120 Brutal Minutes Finale Recap by CC McCandless
September 20, 2007
Last week's running diary of the penultimate episode of NBC's Last Comic Standing made watching this once promising show almost bearable for me, and so staring one hundred and twenty brutal minutes in the face tonight, I'm going back to that well once again. If you're reading this, you know the drill: two unfunny men enter; one unfunny man leaves with a quarter of a mil, a development deal that will never amount to anything, and the "coveted" title of Last Comic Standing. Let's get to it.
00:00: I should preface this by stating that at the moment I'm heavily medicated on antibiotics. This could actually help.
00:00: Wow, Bill Bellamy's gray suit is really, really shiny. Cue the season-recap intro of the "biggest season ever." There is a joke to be made here involving Lavell Crawford's size but I'm not going to do that. And is he actually bigger than Ralphie May was? I'm not sure.
00:01: The USC marching band enters the auditorium. As a graduate of a Pac-10 rival, naturally I'm incensed by this. If it was the lovely, sweater-clad song girls I could let it slide. No such luck.
00:02: Bill Bellamy is rambling on, introducing the two finalists. Meanwhile, I'm Googling "USC Song Girls" and apparently they are officially "the world famous USC Song Girls" and headshots and bios are available on their website.
00:04: Bellamy gives us the obligatory first OJ Simpson joke of the night, suggesting that the title of the Juice's book should be "Hell, Yeah, I Did It!" Meanwhile, Simpson's arrest in Vegas is probably funnier than most of what has happened on this show this season.
00:05: I don't think I have fully communicated just how shiny this gray suit is. Bellamy could audition for the role of the Tin Man in a revival of "The Wiz" right now.
00:06: Last week we were blessed with a countdown of the top ten worst auditions. This week we get a countdown of "the all time biggest laughs." Yeah, we'll see. As maybe the only person in the world that has faithfully watched every episode, I'll be the judge of that. #10: Jessica Kirson. Nope. As soon as her face graces the screen, the needle on the unfunny meter practically breaks. Come on. Top ten? Seriously?
00:10 Countdown moment #9: Alonzo Bodden talking about NASCAR fans. Okay, now we're getting somewhere.
00:10: Annoying Bionic Woman banner graphic appearance number one.
00:10: What could possibly make this show even less enjoyable? Two words: Carrot Top. Wow. Its official, they truly have given up.
00:13: OJ joke #2, courtesy of Mr. Top: "I had better stuff but OJ took it from my hotel room."
00:15: We get a recap of the talent scouts watching some bad auditions. Plenty to choose from.
00:16: Ant gives his pointers on what constitutes a train wreck. And he should know.
00:17: Kathleen Madigan informs us that the worst thing about being on the road was having to wake up early in order to beat Ant to the makeup trailer.
00:18: The Combat Dancer is back. Now, for someone so allegedly bad, he sure does get a lot of airtime on this show.
00:19: An Ant montage makes me wistful for Carrot Top. The horror…
00:21: For some reason, Jerry Springer briefly appears before cutting to commercial. Honestly, is there one single person responsible for making this show as bad as possible? If you asked me to start a list of what could possibly make a show entirely about stand up comedy less funny, Carrot Top, Ant and Springer would all probably crack my top ten. It's unreal.
00:25: Some "Last Comic All Stars" have been invited to participate in roasting the two finalists. This actually has potential. Please tell me that either Jeffrey Ross or Triumph The Insult Comic Dog are involved.
00:26: In this previously taped segment, Lavell is the first to be roasted. The dais talent isn't exactly Friar's-worthy, but for this show it has some potential.
00:26: Doug Benson leads off, calling Lavell "The Jabba the Hutt of Comedy," then adds "but at least Jabba the Hutt had subtitles so you could understand what he was saying."
00:27: Todd Glass is next, and it seems that he and Doug both shop at the same "shiny black outfit" store.
00:28: Wow, Roz and Tammy Pascatelli were both available. All Stars, indeed.
00:29: JEFFREY ROSS IS IN THE HOUSE! YES!
00:29: "Lavell, you never seem to run out of material. Of course, I'm talking about your suit." Thank you for doing this, Jeffrey Ross.
00:29: "What tour are you going on if you win, the Burger Kings of comedy?" And Ross is out.
00:31: During his rebuttal, Lavell lets this gem rip: "I'm only going to talk about the people that got laughs…so Roz, you're safe." Very nice!
0:33: DL Hughley helps throw it to commercial, once again reminding me that this god forsaken network actually cancelled Studio 60 after one season. Dammit.
00:36: Okay, NBC didn't cancel The Office, and they probably could have after season one. I won't say that all is forgiven, but it's worth something. I just re-watched all of season 3 on DVD and it's even better the second time around.
00:36: Countdown moment #7: John Heffron. I dig him, and only partially because I got ten-to-one odds on him the season that he won. But honestly, can't they develop a good sitcom around him? They could actually make something of that empty "talent contract" prize and everybody wins. Probably makes too much sense.
00:38: A recap of earlier challenges. Is this truly necessary? Are new viewers jumping in now, confused about what is going on and how we got here?
00:40: At least we get to see Doug talking dirty to the nun again.
00:42: A two minute one liner challenge featuring the eliminated comics is, umm, not the funniest thing ever, although Doug nearly saves it with a nasty jab at Ant.
00:48: Robert Schimmel does some funny stuff about swimming with dolphins.
00:54: He also has, by far, the longest set of any comic this season.
00:59: Roast part two, with Jon Reep. This should be easy......
C.C. McCandless is an independent filmmaker and freelance writer. He has a Bachelor’s degree in broadcasting from the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication at Arizona State University.
You can contact C.C. here: cc.mccandless@gmail.com
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